That is not a copying error or a typo in the title. I truly do not feel that this film is worthy of the name it has chosen for itself and simply refuse to address it as such. I will say this much now as not to waste the time of anyone who clicked into this piece expecting the considered, reasonable and thought provoking insights that my reviews are considered legendary for (Lol, wut? – Ed); this is not so much a review as it is the rant of a fanboy who, for better or worse, feels like he has been wronged personally.
They’ve gone and done it again. They’ve castrated their own goddamn movie. Much like the fourth outing, this is a sanitized cut of the film created to avoid the dreaded R rating of doom (because the Nakatomi incident was a freaking kids’ flick wasn’t it?!). Remember that bit in the trailer with the smoking hot chick with the motorcycle stripping down to her undies that got adolescent pulses racing across the globe? Gone. She goes for the zipper, you hear a badly added in ‘zip’ sound and then it’s the next scene. WHERE THE HELL ARE MY BOOBIES!!?!?!?!?!?!?
The violence is toned down too. There’s a part where a bad guy is thrown into helicopter blades… at least I think that’s what happens. It cuts away before we get to see him turned into red Eurotrash salad. I don’t see why they had to cut it out completely considering they got a way with it in Captain America and kids were allowed see that. Most shamefully of all though, and you think they’d have learned after the 4.0 debacle, was the censoring of the immortal line that defines the franchise itself; “Yippee kay yay mother FUCKER”. They cut just before the ‘fucker’ and now all we have left is “Yippee kay yay mother” (which just sounds so very very wrong) and a bad piece of editing. The poor movie is cunt to ribbons!
You could almost forgive these flaws since there will undoubtedly be a a version on DVD with the tits, blood and foul language all reinstated. Sadly, even if they were present it would not be enough to save the film from being a defective piece of entertainment. There are a couple of funny quips, but most of the jokes fall flat and don’t rise above, “You’re old. Now let’s laugh!” in terms of quality. The action scenes are, for the most part, uninspired (a fun set piece involving a makeshift slide being the only one worth remembering). The obligatory ginormous and badass bad guy also bows out without putting up a fight – such a waste. And did I just see John McClaine quite possibly run over a bunch of innocent civilians in a van? Oh look, Jean Luc is here and it looks like he has something to say:
Save yourself the trouble and go see Sammy’s Great Escape instead. The action sequences are better and there’s about the same amount of cursing.
The Verdict: Get fucked/10
Try this if you like: having a toothache, ruining Christmas for everyone.